THE TWO TOWERS (condensed)
CARADHRAS
GANDALF: Isn't it odd how we fell for about three miles, and yet we ended up on TOP of a mountain?
BALROG: Who cares. It's freaking cold up here. I give up.
GANDALF: Cool. I think I'll go buy myself something white. White is supposed to be the new black this year...
EMYN MUIL
SAM and FRODO are sitting together on a rock. SAM stretches, and drops his arm around FRODO's shoulders.
SAM: So, sir. Finally it's just you and me.
FRODO: "Finally"? What do you mean?
SAM: Oh, uh...nothing...
FRODO: Well, you're wrong. We've got company.
GOLLUM flies out of the rocks and pounces on FRODO.
SAM: Hey! Wait your turn!
SAM and FRODO tie up GOLLUM.
GOLLUM: No! Smeagol not into ropes, nassty kinky hobbitses.
FRODO: We just want you to take us to Mordor, you sicko.
GOLLUM: Mordor? Hobbitses having little Goth phase, maybe? Very angsssty, wanting to go to Mordor, yes yes. Can Smeagol offer black eyeliner to angsssty hobbitses?
SAM: You stop talking to Mr.--hmm. (to FRODO) You know, you wouldn't look half bad in eyeliner.
FANGORN FOREST
GANDALF: Hey, kids. Miss me?
ARAGORN: Gandalf! You're alive!
LEGOLAS: I almost had a facial expression from the joy of it!
EDORAS
LEMONLYE: A lot of political maneuvering takes place here. Let's see if I can summarize in ten lines or less.
THEODEN: I have ash all over my face and cannot speak for myself.
GRIMA: That's the way I like it.
GANDALF: Be blinded by my new robes! Recover your smooth complexion and your senses!
THEODEN: Hurrah! I am me again! But, damn, my son's dead.
GRIMA: Hmm. I better run.
ARAGORN: Good work, sire. Now collect your people and skedaddle to Helm's Deep.
EOWYN: Hal-lo, handsome!
ARAGORN: Hi. You handle pointy things very well.
EOWYN: Yes. My only fear is dying a virgin. Hint, hint.
ARAGORN: Okay! Well, let's move along.
EN ROUTE TO HELM'S DEEP
LEGOLAS: Wargs!
LEGOLAS and other warriors start slinging arrows and jumping onto horses.
GIMLI: What was that God-awful noise?
LEGOLAS: I'm guessing...wargs dying.
ARAGORN: Actually, it was Legolas's fangirl contingent, shrieking in delight at his horseback-riding tricks.
GIMLI: Ugh, that's sickening. Ooh, Aragorn, watch out! Cliff!
ARAGORN falls off cliff.
LEGOLAS: No! This is unbearable! I almost had ANOTHER facial expression!
RIVENDELL
ARAGORN finds himself in RIVENDELL with ARWEN lying on top of him.
ARAGORN: Hmm. This must be a dream.
ARWEN: Why do you say that?
ARAGORN: Because you're not even supposed to be IN this book.
ARWEN: Don't be mean. I'll tell Daddy.
ARAGORN: Whatever. Wake me up, would you? Since it's not really you licking my face, I have the awful suspicion it's a horse. Or maybe Gimli.
RIVENDELL
GALADRIEL: Hello? Is this Elrond?
ELROND: Yes, speaking.
GALADRIEL: Hi Elrond; it's Galadriel.
ELROND: Hey, girl. Where are you?
GALADRIEL: In Lothlorien; where else would I be? Listen, I really wanted to talk to you about Frodo.
ELROND: Yeah, I've been wondering about him lately.
GALADRIEL: He and Aragorn have SO much stuff to do.
ELROND: I know! And Aragorn's being such a wiener, I'm not even sure I want him to marry my daughter...
GALADRIEL: Did you see his hair the other week? Hello, greaseball.
ELROND: And does he, like, only have that one shirt? Humans are so gross. Hang on; I'm getting another telepathy call.
LF: Hello? Hello? Elrond?
GALADRIEL: Gandalf? Is that you?
ELROND: Gandalf! Hey buddy!
GANDALF: Do you have me on three-way telepathy calling? I hate that.
ELROND: Yeah, sorry. I was talking to Galadriel. Hey, didn't you die or something?
GANDALF: No, you twit. Now quit gossiping and listen. There's a war about to start at Helm's Deep.
GALADRIEL: Yeah, and?
GANDALF: And they need your help, moron.
GALADRIEL: (exaggerated sigh) Fine, whatever. I'll send Haldir or something. He's expendable.
HELM'S DEEP
LEGOLAS: This is going to be most unpleasant. Hundreds of people will die.
ARAGORN: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
LEGOLAS: You're just jealous because I'm pretty.
ARAGORN: You're just jealous because I'm going to be king.
LEGOLAS: You can bite my ass.
ARAGORN: Hey, blow me.
(Ten minutes later)
LEGOLAS: I didn't mean that.
ARAGORN: It's okay. Me neither.
LEGOLAS: Kiss and make up?
ARAGORN: How about I squeeze your shoulder in a very special way?
FANGORN FOREST
PIPPIN: So we're STILL riding on this tree bloke's shoulders...
MERRY: Uh-huh. I have splinters in places you don't even want to imagine.
HELM'S DEEP
ROHIRRIM GUARD: Sire, there are some really femmy people at the gate. They have bows.
ARAGORN: Those are Elves. Let them in.
ROHIRRIM GUARD: Oh! Elves! Wow, I didn't expect that.
PEOPLE WHO READ THE BOOK: Neither did I...
GIMLI: Arr! I'm funny because I'm short.
LEGOLAS: I'm funny because I make fun of how short you are!
HENNETH ANNUN
FARAMIR: So, who are you, exactly?
FRODO: I'm Frodo. This is Sam.
FARAMIR: Your...image consultant?
SAM: His gardener.
FARAMIR: Ohh, like in a 'Lady Chatterley's Lover' kind of way?
SAM: Exactly.
FRODO: Righ—What??
OSGILIATH
FRODO puts on some black eyeliner, climbs to the top of a ruined building, and holds up the Ring. SAM pounces him and brings him tumbling down the stairs.
FRODO: Ow! Hey! That's it—this time I'm cutting your throat.
SAM: But Mr. Frodo...I was saving the world...you were going to give the Ring to that Nazgul...
FRODO: No, I wasn't. I was doing a lightning experiment.
SAM: Well, that's pretty stupid too, now isn't it.
FRODO: Hmm. I suppose so. Sorry, dude.
FRODO puts down the sword. SAM gets up and starts a speech.
SAM: There are good things in the world. And that's what we're protecting. And up there, it's their time, but down here, it's OUR time...
ISENGARD
TREEBEARD finds a field of stumps near SARUMAN's place.
TREEBEARD: What the bloody... ENTS! ATTACK!
MERRY: Once again, Pippin's wily eyelashes save the world.
PIPPIN: Aww, you're just saying that.
SAM (V.O.): ...And I have a dream that my eighteen children will one day live in a Shire where they will not be judged by the color of their teeth but by the content of their character...
HELM'S DEEP
GANDALF and EOMER and a few thousand ROHIRRIM come charging down and wipe out the rest of the ORC army. EOWYN and ARAGORN and LEGOLAS and GIMLI and THEODEN all cheer.
ARAGORN: Gandalf, finally!
GANDALF: Yes, my boy, I have come back.
ARAGORN: Took you freaking long enough.
SAM (V.O.): The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced...
FRODO (V.O.): Um...Sam...
ARAGORN: You know what would have been really cool, though...
EOWYN: What?
ARAGORN: An army of flesh-eating trees to destroy the Orcs who are running away.
AUDIENCE: Yeah, that would have been cool.
ISENGARD
TREEBEARD: Hey. We're busy flooding Isengard here. We can't be two places at once.
OSGILIATH
SAM: ...let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to-
FRODO: SAM!!
SAM: What?
FRODO: They're letting us go. Come on.
SAM: Oh. Oh, good.
EN ROUTE TO MORDOR
SAM: They're going to tell stories about you. Frodo the Incredibly Cute.
FRODO: Ordinarily I would tell you to stop hitting on me, but you've saved my life so many times now, I guess I'll settle for being uncomfortably flattered.
SAM: Cool. Oh, and by the way?
FRODO: Yes?
SAM: The tortured look really does work for you. Very hot.
FRODO: Aww, thanks. You deserve a special shoulder-squeeze for that.
SAM: Did you learn that move from Aragorn?
FRODO: Yeah. You like it?...
GOLLUM: (mumble, mumble)...Kill...(mumble)...death to hobbits...(mumble mumble)...feed them to HER...(mumble, mumble)...pain, suffering...(mumble)...make them cry...(mumble)...kill hobbitses...(mumble) ...she will destroy hobbitses...
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: (loudly) "SHE"? Did he say "she", and "her"? Who's "SHE"?
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: SHUT UP! |
AJÁNLOM AZ OLDALT
